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So it's time for Tumultuous Friday! This is a segment I will do every Friday on a "touchy" subject that could lead to a little upheaval in my life. Is it worth the risk? Guess I will find out!
My topic today is disowning your children. Is there ever really a mistake that is big enough to actually disown your children? Maybe committing some heinous, unforgivable crime? This topic has actually come up twice in our family this week, two separate incidents, but similar in some ways. The first, an adult 30 something child (from this point forward referred to as "AC") makes a purchase parents don't agree with. The parents feel because they occasionally help out financially the AC should return what they consider a poor purchase decision or they will no longer have anything to do with AC. In this situation the AC has apparently made some pretty sound financial choices as AC has excellent credit, owns his/her own home, has great job and is able to take care of his/her family. Is making a purchase they don't agree with a good reason to decide you no longer want to have anything to do with your children or does this really boil down to plain old manipulation? Is there something the parents fear in this situation that is the motivation for this behavior and if so, what?
Situation number two: Different adult 30 something child (from this point forward referred to as AC2) falls on hard times and decides to move out of state with little money and no long term job prospects. Parent doesn't agree with this choice and thought AC2 should have pursued another option locally, tells AC2 they are on their own, you made your bed now lie in it. In this situation parent has helped out significantly through the years and is concerned for AC2's well-being. Again, is this just a manipulation tactic or does the parent mean it?
When our children are young, we as parents do the best we can to raise them the best we know how to grow into responsible adults. Children make mistakes, hopefully they learn from those mistakes and don't make them again. This doesn't change when they grow up! As adults we still make mistakes, I know I do, pretty much on a daily basis! At what point do you exercise tough love with an adult child and what does tough love mean?
Here's my opinion. Helping an adult child financially over and over again means they keep making the same mistakes over and over again. If the parents keep bailing them out they don't learn to pick up the pieces on their own and do what needs to be done to survive. Is it possible the parents are part of the problem here? I know, blame the parents right! I have to add that I can see and understand where their frustration comes from. Most people, if given access to an endless supply of money however, will continue to spend and spend and spend because there are no consequences. Let's face it, I don't know anyone that has an endless coffer but we aren't really going to disown our children over either of these situations, at least I wouldn't. History will just repeat itself.
Maybe the better approach is to lovingly cut the purse strings! In situation number one, AC would probably at least partially understand being told by parents they won't be able to help out financially any longer if AC is going to continue to make what they consider extravagant purchases. Does that mean if a parent has helped out once or twice they can judge all future purchases or choices? I'm thinking not! AC would probably prefer not to receive further assistance if it's going to cause grey hair!
Similar advice in situation number 2. Unless parent is able to afford it and happy to provide support for AC2 and family, let them make their own way. Will you miss them, absolutely! Will it be difficult, you bet! In the long run it's the best thing for everyone involved if they learn to stand on their own two feet. It may get worse before it gets better.
Is it tough love? Yup, according to the definition of tough love "The use of strict disciplinary measures and limitations on freedoms or privileges, as by a parent or guardian, as a means of fostering responsibility and expressing care or concern." As tough as it might be, at least it's coming from a loving place. Whether it's an adult child or a younger child, when the lesson or discipline comes from a loving place you get much better results than when it comes from anger or manipulation. Especially if you are just putting yuckiness out there you won't actually follow through with.
Bottom line is it doesn't matter how old we are, our parents are still our parents! There may be boundaries and they might sometimes cross them but it's because they just love us so stinkin' much! Love them back and tell them how much you appreciate them, I bet it will go a long way!
I've rambled long enough, I'm curious to hear others thoughts on this so weigh in! Be gentle, I'm a lover not a fighter!
I am not a doctor. Any advice or opinions I give are simply advice from life experience and not that of a professional!
Thanks for including me in the blog. I read both of your scenarios and how the parents in your situations take a moment to stop and think. There are probably very few scenarios where as a parent, you must totally cut the apron strings and say enough is enough--I'm cutting all ties with you. In most cases, you must just let your loved one (this could be a child or a parent or a sibling or even a friend)stand on his or her own two feet and let them make their own decisions. The hardest part will be letting him or her work out of bad decisions on their own. In the scenarios you put forth, instead of "disowning" a loved one, wouldn't it be better to give words of enouragement to help them succeed? You might have to cut off the financial support or even some of the emotional support, but you should never cut off the opportunity to part of their lives -- to listen and help them make better decisions (only if they ask for the help)! Otherwise, life is too short and too unpredictable to lose precious time. Instead of being angry about what they are buying or where they are moving, just stick to the stuff that matters in life. Ask them how "they" are doing and what's new in their lives.
ReplyDeleteI am totally with you there!
ReplyDeleteI think the parents have the right to voice their opinion and that be the end of it. If/when they ask for money again, just say no! I don't think it's right to threaten them that they will be disowned. That's unfair. You have to let your children make their own decisions to learn from them.
ReplyDelete