Tumultuous Friday - Disowning Your Children

So it's time for Tumultuous Friday! This is a segment I will do every Friday on a "touchy" subject that could lead to a little upheaval in my life. Is it worth the risk? Guess I will find out!

My topic today is disowning your children. Is there ever really a mistake that is big enough to actually disown your children? Maybe committing some heinous, unforgivable crime? This topic has actually come up twice in our family this week, two separate incidents, but similar in some ways. The first, an adult 30 something child (from this point forward referred to as "AC") makes a purchase parents don't agree with. The parents feel because they occasionally help out financially the AC should return what they consider a poor purchase decision or they will no longer have anything to do with AC. In this situation the AC has apparently made some pretty sound financial choices as AC has excellent credit, owns his/her own home, has great job and is able to take care of his/her family. Is making a purchase they don't agree with a good reason to decide you no longer want to have anything to do with your children or does this really boil down to plain old manipulation? Is there something the parents fear in this situation that is the motivation for this behavior and if so, what?

Situation number two: Different adult 30 something child (from this point forward referred to as AC2) falls on hard times and decides to move out of state with little money and no long term job prospects. Parent doesn't agree with this choice and thought AC2 should have pursued another option locally, tells AC2 they are on their own, you made your bed now lie in it. In this situation parent has helped out significantly through the years and is  concerned for AC2's well-being. Again, is this just a manipulation tactic or does the parent mean it?

When our children are young, we as parents do the best we can to raise them the best we know how to grow into responsible adults. Children make mistakes, hopefully they learn from those mistakes and don't make them again. This doesn't change when they grow up! As adults we still make mistakes, I know I do, pretty much on a daily basis! At what point do you exercise tough love with an adult child and what does tough love mean?

Here's my opinion. Helping an adult child financially over and over again means they keep making the same mistakes over and over again. If the parents keep bailing them out they don't learn to pick up the pieces on their own and do what needs to be done to survive. Is it possible the parents are part of the problem here? I know, blame the parents right! I have to add that I can see and understand where their frustration comes from. Most people, if given access to an endless supply of money however, will continue to spend and spend and spend because there are no consequences. Let's face it, I don't know anyone that has an endless coffer but we aren't really going to disown our children over either of these situations, at least I wouldn't. History will just repeat itself.

Maybe the better approach is to lovingly cut the purse strings! In situation number one, AC would probably at least partially understand being told by parents they won't be able to help out financially any longer if AC is going to continue to make what they consider extravagant purchases. Does that mean if a parent has helped out once or twice they can judge all future purchases or choices? I'm thinking not! AC would probably prefer not to receive further assistance if it's going to cause grey hair!

Similar advice in situation number 2. Unless parent is able to afford it and happy to provide support for AC2 and family, let them make their own way. Will you miss them, absolutely! Will it be difficult, you bet! In the long run it's the best thing for everyone involved if they learn to stand on their own two feet. It may get worse before it gets better.

Is it tough love? Yup, according to the definition of tough love "The use of strict disciplinary measures and limitations on freedoms or privileges, as by a parent or guardian, as a means of fostering responsibility and expressing care or concern." As tough as it might be, at least it's coming from a loving place. Whether it's an adult child or a younger child, when the lesson or discipline comes from a loving place you get much better results than when it comes from anger or manipulation. Especially if you are just putting yuckiness out there you won't actually follow through with.

Bottom line is it doesn't matter how old we are, our parents are still our parents! There may be boundaries and they might sometimes cross them but it's because they just love us so stinkin' much! Love them back and tell them how much you appreciate them, I bet it will go a long way!

I've rambled long enough, I'm curious to hear others thoughts on this so weigh in! Be gentle, I'm a lover not a fighter!

I am not a doctor. Any advice or opinions I give are simply advice from life experience and not that of a professional!

It Takes a Village!

One of the babies has a cold so he woke up last night at 1 am for a bottle. As I am sitting there feeding him my mind goes to an incident that happened a few months ago with my 12 year old. Things at her dad's house are a little difficult for her at times with her stepmother. My daughter was at a friend's house, a friend she has had for years, and she spoke to her friend's mother about some of the things she has been through. Instead of this mother keeping my daughter's venting to herself, she told the stepmother what had been said and asked "what in the world is going on in that house?".

I ask you, if a child comes to you in confidence and actually confides these things in you, why in the world would you break that confidence and tell these things to the object of aforementioned conversation? Don't you think there is going to be further backlash for this child because of what you have said? It's difficult enough to get a 12 year old to talk sometimes, I am not thinking an incident like this is going to help that situation! Life is tough for kids these days, I encourage you to be there not only for your own children, but your children's friends as well. You never know what they might be going through and you could be the one they confide in. You can make a difference in a child's life...it really does take a village!

Let me know what you think.

I am not a doctor. Any advice or opinions I give are simply advice from life experience and not that of a professional!

So I'm Finally Doing It!

I am finally starting a blog!  I've considered it for a long time but there's always something else to do.  Will anyone even be interested in my crazy life or what I have to offer?  I guess we shall see!