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We have all heard the term "stranger danger". Our children are taught about stranger danger pretty much from the time they can walk. It starts with us as parents saying "don't walk away from mommy or a stranger might take you" and continues throughout their years in school. In elementary school they are taught what to do if they are approached by a stranger and throughout their years growing up they are surrounded by it in their environment. Amber alerts, posters at the store, news stories, books, articles...it's everywhere.
Don't get me wrong here, this is a very serious problem and we do need to equip our children with the tools they would need to try to avoid this situation should it ever arise. What do you do when your child develops and unhealthy fear of being taken? Is there a level of fear that could be considered unhealthy when it comes to this topic? My daughter for instance will not stay in the car for me to even run into a gas station to get a bottle of water. Doors locked, me in her line of vision able to see the vehicle the whole time, keys with me, she will not do it! She gets panicked, cries, gets belligerent, out-of-her mind upset. So, I either have to take her and the babies in or skip it altogether.
Obviously I am not trying to send my child into a full-blown panic attack so I plan my outings around it. To be honest, as a parent, it's something I fear as well. I think her fear of it makes me fear it even more if that's possible!
This topic came up last week. My daughter and I were picking up Chinese food when a man came in and started talking to her. I was immediately uncomfortable and did not like the questions he asked her, and she answered. Because I have taught her to be polite. I have taught her to respect her elders. I never excluded strangers in teaching her these things. The second we were back in the car I asked her how that "gentleman" made her feel when he was asking her those questions. She said "fine". So my child who gets completely panicked at the thought of being in the car, doors locked, keys with me, and what I would consider ok for a couple of minutes totally answers a complete stranger's questions. Questions that made me uncomfortable were ok by her.
In the matter of maybe a minute and a half, this man found out where she went to school, the general area where she lived and what type of sports she played at school. All with me standing right there. Not stopping it. Letting her answer these questions. Later I asked myself why I let this happen. The bottom line is, I didn't want to be rude to someone that could be innocently making conversation. What I learned from that situation is, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN RUDE! Not outwardly "get away from my kid" rude, but more like, "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop you, I don't like the questions you are asking". It's not worth the risk to my child just to be polite. It would have also shown her that in an uncomfortable situation, it's ok to speak up. Was she only fine with it because I was right there? I hope so. I don't think she would have felt comfortable with these questions had I not been there but how do you know?
I need to teach her more about uncomfortable situations and how to handle them. After all, it's not always a stranger doing the harm. I need to teach her that it's ok to say she isn't comfortable answering these questions and walk away. I need to teach her that those aren't questions this man should have been asking her. He made me uncomfortable and there is a reason for that. I have learned to always trust my gut. The fact that it is still bothering me, is bothering me!
Are we teaching stranger danger the right way? Do kids need a refresher class as they get older and maybe forget the types of questions they shouldn't answer? How can they be totally surrounded by it for so long and not see a situation that could be dangerous when it's presented to them? And the biggest question of all; HOW DID I AS THE PARENT TOTALLY LET THIS HAPPEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?!
Am I over-reacting here? What are your thoughts?
Any advice or opinions I give are simply advice from life experience and not that of a professional!
I have a small town mentality when it comes to this. I know Calvert has grown a lot since I was a kid, but still there is not a lot of non-local people traffic going on in places like your corner Chinese take-out. I also think some middle school kids can be confused for high school kids. And for high school kids, those topics are appropriate to me.
ReplyDeleteI also take into account the age of the stranger. Odds are, if they are a local and of an older generation they're just being polite in that small town way.
I'm with you... Maybe it's from watching the news, etc. where the world is different from when we were kids. You can't just send your kids down the street to a friends anymore or be as friendly with people. I'm not saying all "stranger" are bad people, but you are correct. We women have a "gut feeling" about things, and should go with it. I've tried to teach my daughter about that feeling, but I don't think she understands it yet. The funny thing is.. you know how we tell our kids "don't talk to strangers", but yet when we introduce someone (that we know) to our kids, we then tell them "talk to so and so" and we expect them to talk to a "stranger". I think that is also confusing to them. We need Dr. Phil's input for this one. lol
ReplyDeleteI think I need a drink after reading that. Whew! I think she was definitely feeling comfortable because you were there. She didn't need to have her 'radar' up. I understand how you feel about being the 'rude' mom and speaking up. However, being rude isn't in your nature. That's not how you were raised. I'm pretty mouthy and speak my mind but I still don't think I would have said anything either. But, I too would have kicked myself in the butt later for wanting to handle it differently.
ReplyDeleteAs you can tell, I don't what to do!! :D
I agree with D. I, too, needed a drink after your post. I would agree that it's not your nature to be rude so you wouldn't have said anything. However, having said that, I think most of us do what we think is right at the time without considering the possible consequences. I received a call from an 79-year old friend yesterday. She told me a story about going out on Tuesday (it was a really cold, nasty, somewhat snowy day in upstate NY. She said she went to a CVS to pick up prescriptions and happened on a man in the store who was on crutches. While she waited for her prescriptions to be filled, he engaged her in conversation. He asked her what she was picking up. She told him. He asked if she could spare a pain pill or two because his leg was so painful. She said sure. He asked her for $5 so that he could go to MacDonald's and get something to eat because he hadn't eaten in a few days. She not only said yes, but offered to drive him to the MacDonald's (at the other end of the parking lot) so that he wouldn't have to walk. She truly felt sorry for him. So, she let this man get in the car with her and drove him over. He then asked if she could spare $20 and if she'd like to have sex. She also smelled alcohol and and realized that she was potentially in some danager. She gave him the pills, the $20 and got him out of the car quickly and drove home. When she told me the story I was horrified (instead of thinking it was funny, like she thought I would). After our conversation, she understood how this situation could have gone very wrong. Her nature is to be a very thoughful and giving person. So, it's human nature not be rude; but we all have to draw the line to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. I say, "Be polite but be safe." When the hair on the back of your neck goes up, consider it a sign and do something--even if it doesn't fit your "nature."
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