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I keep a reading file of articles that I want to read again later or refer back to at another time. One such article is dated February, 2008 from Readers Digest, "Inspire Your Kids" by Cynthia Dermody. Here is a link to the article. It's about watching what you say to your children and better ways to say it. I sure am feeling like a bad mom now!
After reading this, I am starting to understand why my daughter sometimes has trouble talking to me. It's not that we don't talk, we do. I think she is afraid of me being too hard on her instead of just listening and being there for her. Part of that comes from my need as a mother to help her solve her problems. This has come up a few times recently with the middle school drama! I thought fifth grade was the worst, I was so wrong. I try to help her see how something she has done or said may have triggered a response she wasn't prepared for.
The most recent incident was last week. She was discussing another friend with one of her friends and said that the friend they were discussing was mean sometimes. Well the friend she was discussing this with told the other friend and boy did she prove the truth in what was said (hopefully you were able to follow that)! She blind-sided my daughter in the cafeteria, lots of yelling, in front of everyone of course, so my daughter had her feelings hurt and was embarrassed. The girl also threatened to beat her up. My daughter went to the principal and explained what had happened and wanted to make sure the principal knew that if this person hit her, she was going to defend herself.
This went on all week, my daughter sat by herself at lunch as the girl rallied all of the friends and turned them against her. It broke my heart to hear this so I tried to really break it down with her from the beginning. How what she said made the other girl feel and if her friend is "mean", then she reacted the way she knows how to react, by being mean. I discussed trust with her again and how you have to be careful what you tell people because you don't know what they will do with the information. I told her that you shouldn't talk about people, even if you think what you are saying is justified. Basically, after reading this article again, my daughter probably heard "you screwed up and it's your fault this happened", and "don't trust anyone".
My daughter went back to school the next day and tried to talk to the girl and apologize for what she said. Her apology was not accepted so now it's just a matter of waiting for things to blow over.
My point here is, how is it that we think we are teaching our children and helping them through a situation and end up making them feel like they can't do anything right? It's like you need a psychology course before you have children and have to take continuing education classes until they are 25 to keep up with the current trends. Following your instincts doesn't seem good enough anymore. Maybe I should start a parent's support group. We can meet once a week to discuss how difficult it is to raise our children right and how bad we are messing it up!
Ok, maybe I'm not doing that bad! I have a wonderful, caring daughter that is blossoming into an intuitive, street-savvy, smart teenager. She learns not only from her mistakes but the mistakes of others as well. She does still talk to me, at least for now. I think I am going to work on asking her more leading questions so she can get to the answer on her own instead of taking her down the road of "here's where you went wrong". After all, isn't the point of going through the drama and growing up to learn from your mistakes and hopefully come out a stronger person in the end?
I think it's time for mama bear to stop trying to rescue her cub and let her fight her way through it a little more. That's not to say I won't be here, I will. If she comes to things on her own she can be proud of herself for solving the problem and have more faith in her ability to do so in the future. Any thoughts on this topic? I would love to hear them, especially from parents who made it through the teenage years! Your experience can help the rest of us!
Any advice or opinions I give are simply advice from life experience and not that of a professional!
I constantly scrutinize my behavior in relation to my girls and they're just toddlers. And I know its dumb to compare reactions in this stage of growth with the complexities of the teenage mind but the communication misfires are one in the same. You just can't anticipate every reaction.
ReplyDeleteJust the other day, I was playing with the two year old in the kitchen. She would run to me and throw her arms open in a shower of emotion. But just as quick she would spin on her heels yelling "no, no, no" when I then tried to smooch her cheeks. The give and take went back and forth for some time like a game. She ran to me open arms and once I initiated a kiss attack she repelled back in hiccups of "No!" between giggles.
So the last go round I upped the ante and pretended to be upset when she ran away. It wasn't an action I thought too much about at the time. At the least, I thought it was in line with our game. Boy was I wrong. She froze confused for a second like she was processing. Then got upset. For whatever reason, I never anticipated her reaction. That she would really think I was sad. The game ended shortly after.
Then I was the one confused. The first thing I thought was wow I just emotionally terrorized my kid. Wth. I worried that in that I had taught her to manipulate people for what she wanted. After over analyzing the situation every way possible I resolved to never pretend cry again. No matter how obvious I thought it was that I wasn't sad, the point was it was misinterpreted. Lesson learned and hopefully just a hiccup in the long long line of giggles and joy parenthood brings.
I try to look at it this way, hopefully I don't cause too much collateral damage in the end! It all comes from a loving place and we do the best we can. I believe the fact that we over-think it sometimes only shows that our intention really isn't to mess them up!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous:
ReplyDeleteas an overachiever such as yourself, i found myself to be an analyst like you. being a mother is an adventure, as a mother of a 9 yr old daughter and a 6 yr old son, i came from a VERY affectionate and loving family. my children as toddlers behaved just as yours is doing now. they will grow out of that and it is truely a stage. i work in a practice where i see teenage children shun their parents and are embarrased of even being seen with them. this kills me when i see this type of behavior and have ALWAYS instilled in my children to never be embarrased of me no matter what their "peers" think. i alway's say "you are here because of me" ha, and they just laugh. they know it would break my heart if they ever acted as if they didn't want to hug or kiss me around their friends. like i said your daughter is very young and my children's actions were the same as your daughters actions are now. it will pass. please don't stress over this it will get better!
How do you explain to a 12 yr old what it REALLY means when her 'boyfriend' wants to keep their relationship a secret? Do you say anything or just let her learn the hard way?
ReplyDeleteI think you should say something. By not saying anything she could walk away thinking it's ok. My sister had this issue with my niece, granted she is 17 but the message is the same. Nothing good can come from keeping a relationship secret. It doesn't matter what the reason, it isn't a good one. Her confidence could really be impacted by something like this, whether it be because his parents don't allow it at this age or he's afraid his friends will find out and pick on him, it all adds up to a bad outcome for your daughter.
ReplyDeleteThe issue is how to explain it. Start by asking her how it makes her feel that he wants to keep it a secret. I doubt she will say "good" so then you could ask her if she has ever thought about what she is looking for in a "relationship". She could get a little embarrassed at this point so make sure she knows you are there to listen and not judge. At 12, they aren't very good at expressing what they want because they don't really know, she may say someone cute and funny instead of what you are looking for so you may have to dig deeper.
Ask her if she ever wants to go to school functions in this relationship, or maybe the movies, or have him over to your house for dinner (tailor it to whatever you would allow her to do or it's opening a new can of worms!). She will obviously want these things and may start to get to it on her own that you can't do these things with someone who wants to keep it a secret. What are you really getting from this relationship? If he's the "cutest" guy in school and you are dating him but it's a secret, where's the joy in that? Ask her why she thinks he wants to keep it a secret. Asking the questions is the hard part for me because I have a tendency to be the "let's get down to the bones of this" kind of person but I have learned the hard way that this approach doesn't work with a teenager. These days, 12 is the new 15!
It's so important to try to teach our children, girls especially, that they are powerful. They need to know how they feel is important and build their self-esteem. It's such a fine line we walk! We don't want to fill them with a feeling of entitlement but we want them to know they have a say. I'm still trying to figure this part out myself!
This is actually a good idea for another topic that plagues me so thank you for asking the question!
Let us know how the talk goes if you decide to have it. Good luck!